On the Road with the 4th Horseman

Two & a half years ago, the Father in Law gave me a 2005 Nissan Frontier.  It had 12,000mi on it - literally owned by an old man who only drove it on Sundays (actually only drove it to the dump).  

 

Anyway, its up to 52,500mi and getting about 17mpg.  I put an average of 31mi/day on it, so I guess that's okay for a 6-banger pickup...

In a few days, I'll take it out to Guild, Tn - that's a 660mi haul.  I'll break that into 2 legs because I'm old an ornery now.  We'll see if I have to call AAA on the way!

Labels: Frontier, Guild, Nissan, Tennessee

Lexus - It's like admitting that you don't know how to drive.

Case 1: When you get to the stop sign first (especially if I've slowed down enough that there's no argument over who arrived first)

Case 2: I'm already stopped at a junction where traffic entering does not stop, waiting for you to turn unabated into the lane

In either case - don't stop and then wave to me like an idiot thinking that I'm going to go. I'm not. If I enter the intersection and you suddenly change your mind (or get rear-ended), ya know what? "He waved at me" doesn't carry a whole lot of weight with the insurance companies or the judge.

If you want to impede the flow of traffic, that's your business. Try not to involve me in it.

Idiot on the other side of the street had his sprinklers on in the thunderstorm yesterday....

Such a winner.

...kind of @$$#0|Σ to sit at a green light yakking on the cell phone while 6 cars could've gotten through, finally go, hang up, hold up two lanes of traffic while you crane out of the side window to flip off (with both hands) the person who honked at you then proceed to stalk that person to their home.

If you drive a silver Kia Sedona with Virginia tags, that @$$#0|Σ could be you!

What a shame you couldn't stick around for a 'chat'.

The guy across the street is a psycho.

Number One Son's primary money-earning chore is lawn-mowing, but he's only here on alternating weekends. A few months ago, the bozo decided that our grass was too long so he sent his grandson over to offer to mow it.

"No Thanks, that's N.O.S's job." About 15 minutes later, we heard a lawnmower out front. Sure enough, there's the grandson mowing our lawn.

I went outside, waved him off, thanked him for his effort (he's just doing what he's told - it's not his fault grandad is an @$$), and sent him on his way. Meanwhile, the nutcase sauntered over and proceded to blast Bud Light breath at me while going on about how my lawn was 'a disgrace' and how he was going to call the homeowner's association on me.

I called the cops and had Officer Law come out and advise him what constituted illegal lawn height as defined by City Ordinance, what constituted trespassing and what constituted Drunk and Disorderly.

I was particularly amused by the accusation that my lawn was 'a disgrace'.

You see, the psycho likes to hang lights on his house for any occassion. He starts on Halloween(orange), continues on through Thanksgiving (Yellow & Red), Christmas (Red, White & Green), Valentine's Day (red), St Patrick's Day(green), Easter (white), Memorial Day (red, white and blue)and 4th of July(rw&b again). Christmas is the worst. He likes to play 'keeping up with the Jones' with the neighbors.

About 4 years ago, he (and his buddy who has since moved) asked if they could put lights on our house (as I'd made it clear that I wasn't into all the materialistic BS that Christmas has become). I relented and allowed them to perform their illumination, but wan't going to be accountable if they fell from our 2nd storey.

When March rolled around, I asked him when he was planning on taking them down. "Why would I take them down?"

Every time he tells me something of mine is 'a disgrace', I advise him that begging to illuminate someone's house and then refusing to remove the lights - that's a disgrace.

Anyway, I told you that story in order to tell you this one: Numbnuts was taking his lights down today - New Year's Day. This reminded me of the New Year's Day about 6 years ago, when I asked him if he needed help taking down his Kwanzaa Lights.

"They're Christmas Lights," he advised me. (He probably said "There" not "They're. He's not too bright)

"Then why are you taking them down on the last day of Kwanzaa?"

"When should I take them down?"

"On Twelfth-Night"

"What's that?"

This from someone who touts himself as 'holier than thou' who doesn't have lights on their house.

The Company is sending two buds and me to Vegas next week!
The boss thinks it's a boondoggle - the wife thinks it's a drinkfest.

The sad truth is that the 3 of us are such geeks that we won't leave the convention...

So, if you're in the vicinity of AutoDesk University at the Venetian Resort, you can try to hunt me up. They're making me stay at the Flamingo - we didn't get booked in time to get a room at the Venetian (tho Brad took a 'smoking' room and got in).

There's supposedly a shuttlebus running every 15 minutes which is good 'cause I hate driving on the strip. Last time I was there, I was taking a rental back to the airport and it took me just as long to go 5 blocks south on the strip as it did to jump over to Paradise, drive the other 10 blocks, find a gas station, tank up and return the car.

Attention Waiters and Waitresses:
YES I WANT MY GODDAMNED CHANGE!!! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF TRYING TO SOLICIT TIPS!??

I went to a friend's 'send-off' at a chain steak-house on Friday. First the waitress tells me that they can't cook my burger to medium - only well-done. Meanwhile the guy next to me gets an "El Paso Salad" that shows up with sirloin slices THAT ARE RARE. THERE'S FRIGGIN BLOOD COAGULATING WITH HIS RANCH DRESSING AND I CAN'T GET A DAMNED MEDIUM BURGER??? WTF!!!

Afterward, the waitress brings me my bill - $10.48. I put down a $20 and 2 quarters.

"Did you want your change?"

NO, I WAS PLANNING ON GIVING YOU A FUCKING 99% TIP FOR THE GODDAMNED HOCKEY PUCK WITH CHEESE ON IT. OF COURSE I WANT MY CHANGE!!!

Saturday, I took the wife and kids out to a chain burger joint for dinner. Fish & Chips for me, a burger for the missus, a corndog and a burger for the kids - drinks all around. Total price $35.85. I put down 2 $20s and leave a $5 in the middle of the table.

"I'll be back with your change"

My faith is partially restored... only to be shattered when she came back around 10 minutes later.

"You're not waiting for change are you?"

"Uh, yeah" and you just screwed yourself out of a dollar. I grabbed up the $5 and left the 4 singles on the table.

Does anyone else think that Clinton Portis should shut his overpaid winey mouth and quit pitching about 20 games being too many?

Hey Clinton! Put on a pair of skates and play the 82 GAMES that the Capitals will enjoy this season! If you do well, you can play up to 7 games per round in post-season and if you win that, you get to spend a day with Lord Stanley's Cup (and get your name engraved on it) - not that that probably means anything to you. Your ilk likes to fondle the Vince Lombardi Trophy (or a copy thereof) before you've actually earned the right. While you're at it, you and your team-mates will get to split a salary capped at $39 million (well, that's last season's number - I don't know what it is this year). That averages to around $2mil.

Of course, you'll be hard-pressed to every find a teacher earning that much...

So I'm at one of the gazillion strip-malls that decorate this fine land. The wife and one kid get out and run into the Used Game shop to check on a price. There's not much business. Very few cars in the lot, so I throw the Battlestar Odyssey into Neutral (ya gotta be in Park to open the pod-bay doors) and sit in the Fire Lane - keeping an eye out for the wild bush fire engine.

There's nary a light or siren, but some little thwip in a Chevy Chevette or somesuch heaves to alongside. He motions that I should put my window down. Noticing that the little yellow light on top of the Chevette wasn't funtioning, I put my window down.

"You can't park there"

"I'm not parked, I'm stopped."

"You can't park there"

I guess that's the only English the guy knew. So I let my foot off the brake, inched forward, and stopped again. As I continued doing this along the length of the storefront, Barney Fife swung around, pulled up behind me and started yakking on the cell-phone. Once I ran out of storefront, I traversed a few lanes of the parking lot and returned to a spot next to a Handicap Space in the main pathway - 3 vehicle widths from my original location.

Self-important little thwip tried to camoflage himself among some other cars (there were only about a dozen in a lot that holds a few hundred), so after the wife and kid got back in, I circled around and indicated to him that I was leaving.

...to the Epsilon Negative Sub-moron in the F-250:
The sign says "SHOULDER LANE CLOSED" not "SHOULDER LANE CLOSED EXCEPT FOR EPSILON NEGATIVE SUB-MORONS IN F-250S".

Did I cut you off on the off-ramp? I doubt it. According to Virginia Law, if you're breaking a traffic law, you have no traffic rights.

I also liked the way you waited until there were 2 cars in the lane between us before trying to yell at me. That was cute.

Not necessarily an auto-related post but:

HEY BUBBA! TAKE YER DAMNED HAT OFF IN A RESTAURANT!!! DIDN'T YOUR FATHER TEACH YOU ANY GODDAMNED MANNERS?

At one time I frequented a bar which had a nice little sign in the alcove, "He who enters covered here buys the bar a round of cheer."

Some of the old ways should never have been forgotten.

If you are planning on using the turn lanes, here are a few helpful tips:

• Put on your turn signal *before* moving into the turn lane. If you wait until you're in the turn lane to put on your signal, then you are a moron. Why would anyone who can plainly see that you are in the turn lane need to see a flasher to indicate that you're turning?? THE SIGNAL IS PAINTED ON THE ROAD! IT'S A BIG WHITE ARROW!
• Unless the turn lane is mostly occupied, there is no need to SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES **BEFORE** GETTING INTO THE TURN LANE! If you do *need* to decelerate before moving fully into the turn lane, *THEN* use your turn signal - before braking. If you are slamming on brakes in front of me because you're intimidated by the turn lane - and if you didn't signal appropriately, whoever it is you are talking to on your cellphone is going to be hearing my horn.
• If I'm already in the turn lane and you decide to cross the solid line to squeeze in front of me - realize that I don't brake for morons. I have *NEVER* encountered a turn lane that didn't have a sufficient opening through which a normal vehicle could fit. (If you're driving a vehicle that has more passenger or cargo space than you use 15% of the time then you fit into a whole other category of idiot). Once the line between the travel lane and the turn lane is solid, YOU DO NOT CROSS IT unless you are ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that there is noone else in the lane already or unless the person in the lane has stopped and is indicating that it is clear for you to move over. You are not too good to drive around the block. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
• If you are the driver of the lead car, PAY ATTENTION TO THE LIGHT! Do not read a book, yak on the phone, check your mascara, berate your children, drop your smoke, check a map, surf the web, shave, suck your toes or any other non-driving nonsense. If I have to honk because you didn't start moving in a reasonable amount of time after the light changed, no amount of finger waving or cursing is going to change the fact that you are obstructing the flow of traffic and are a criminal. If you feel compelled to honk at me because the light just changed and I haven't even had time for the impulses to leave my synapses and travel to my clutch-foot, then you are an impatient self-centered misbegot who probably has the turn signal on.
• If you are halfway out into the intersection and the light changes against you, clear the intersection. The other cars, even if they have the green light, are required to wait for you to get out of the way. DON'T TRY TO BACK UP! Chances are that you won't pull far enough over the sensor to trigger the light, neither will you leave enough room for anyone behind you to trip the sensor and you'll have held-up someone else too.
• If you are in the left lane turning onto a one-way street going to your left, most states allow a left turn on red.
• Whichever way you are turning, stay in your own lane. Most multiple turn lanes have dashed lines indicating where you should be. GET THERE. I'm not eating the median because you decided to cut a corner and I'm not going into a ditch because you're too lame to use power steering. If you are turning right and the only cross-traffic is in the far lane, MAKE THE TURN! Nobody is going to hit you if you turn properly unless they're the kind of moron who tries to make a lane-change in the intersection. They can explain their actions to the cops and you will be within your rights.
• If an 18-wheeler is paired up with you in the dual turn lane, either gun it and get out of his way or back off and let him get around the corner. That rig doesn't have the turn radius your car has and it will roll right over you if you try to squeeze between him and the corner. Besides, with all the taxes those guys pay, as far as you're concerned they *DO* own the whole goddamned road.

Special note to the blue-hair in the black Lincoln:

I'm sure there are grandchildren somewhere who think the world of you, but you do not have the right to hold up traffic while you decide on which street to turn.

My 'Green Arrow' beats your 'Right Turn on Red'

• How and when to turn the steering wheel
• How to stay off the yellow median markings
• How to clear the intersection for an emergency vehicle
• How to stop *at* the stop sign and not a car length in front of it (I refer to this as "tailhooking the stop-bar")
• Right of way at opposing stop signs
• How to sit up straight
• How to adjust the stereo
• When it is appropriate to use headlights
• How to respect a funeral procession
• How to do the arm-cranking thing to make the truckers honk (I know, that's not a driver's ed thing, but you never see kids do that anymore...)
• Why you shouldn't assume that oncoming traffic is going to slow down because your sad @$$ can't get up to the speed limit in a timely manner
• How to pull up to the stop-bar at a red light (The people who leave a full car-length in front of them are usually the same ones who tailhook the stop-bars at stop signs...)
• How to keep to the right

These are forgotten skills. Unfortunately, since they don't involve speeding, the laws that are broken are seldom enforced.

Am I the only person who understands that, when you turn from one road onto another, you don't cross more lanes than required?

It's bad enough that the clown coming toward me (in the far lane as I'm making a right turn) flashes his high-beams at me as I roll into the near lane and accelerate to 45 mph (the posted limit). Either car or driver lacks the fortitude to close the 15 or so yards between us.

A quarter mile later, the light turns to yellow (that's amber for any Brits who may be reading). I'm back from the solid white lane divider - these lines seem to mark the safe stopping distance before an intersection, though I've never seen anything that documents that supposition - as I spy one of Virginia Beach's Finest waiting for the opposing light to turn green. I pull to a stop as the light turns red.

Remember the clown who couldn't pass me? Apparently his brakes didn't work either - 'cause there he flew through the red light as Officer Law started pulling out. Mr High-Beam must have been on the upside of a serious kharmic ditch, because justice was not served that day - or maybe the doughnuts were getting cold. Either way, Virginia Beach's Slackest cruised straight through the light, ignoring Our Boy and heading back to the Police House.

Oh well...