25 March 2006
Turn Lanes
If you are planning on using the turn lanes, here are a few helpful tips:
- Put on your turn signal *before* moving into the turn lane. If you wait until you're in the turn lane to put on your signal, then you are a moron. Why would anyone who can plainly see that you are in the turn lane need to see a flasher to indicate that you're turning?? THE SIGNAL IS PAINTED ON THE ROAD! IT'S A BIG WHITE ARROW!
- Unless the turn lane is mostly occupied, there is no need to SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES **BEFORE** GETTING INTO THE TURN LANE! If you do *need* to decelerate before moving fully into the turn lane, *THEN* use your turn signal - before braking. If you are slamming on brakes in front of me because you're intimidated by the turn lane - and if you didn't signal appropriately, whoever it is you are talking to on your cellphone is going to be hearing my horn.
- If I'm already in the turn lane and you decide to cross the solid line to squeeze in front of me - realize that I don't brake for morons. I have *NEVER* encountered a turn lane that didn't have a sufficient opening through which a normal vehicle could fit. (If you're driving a vehicle that has more passenger or cargo space than you use 15% of the time then you fit into a whole other category of idiot). Once the line between the travel lane and the turn lane is solid, YOU DO NOT CROSS IT unless you are ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that there is noone else in the lane already or unless the person in the lane has stopped and is indicating that it is clear for you to move over. You are not too good to drive around the block. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
- If you are the driver of the lead car, PAY ATTENTION TO THE LIGHT! Do not read a book, yak on the phone, check your mascara, berate your children, drop your smoke, check a map, surf the web, shave, suck your toes or any other non-driving nonsense. If I have to honk because you didn't start moving in a reasonable amount of time after the light changed, no amount of finger waving or cursing is going to change the fact that you are obstructing the flow of traffic and are a criminal. If you feel compelled to honk at me because the light just changed and I haven't even had time for the impulses to leave my synapses and travel to my clutch-foot, then you are an impatient self-centered misbegot who probably has the turn signal on.
- If you are halfway out into the intersection and the light changes against you, clear the intersection. The other cars, even if they have the green light, are required to wait for you to get out of the way. DON'T TRY TO BACK UP! Chances are that you won't pull far enough over the sensor to trigger the light, neither will you leave enough room for anyone behind you to trip the sensor and you'll have held-up someone else too.
- If you are in the left lane turning onto a one-way street going to your left, most states allow a left turn on red.
- Whichever way you are turning, stay in your own lane. Most multiple turn lanes have dashed lines indicating where you should be. GET THERE. I'm not eating the median because you decided to cut a corner and I'm not going into a ditch because you're too lame to use power steering. If you are turning right and the only cross-traffic is in the far lane, MAKE THE TURN! Nobody is going to hit you if you turn properly unless they're the kind of moron who tries to make a lane-change in the intersection. They can explain their actions to the cops and you will be within your rights.
- If an 18-wheeler is paired up with you in the dual turn lane, either gun it and get out of his way or back off and let him get around the corner. That rig doesn't have the turn radius your car has and it will roll right over you if you try to squeeze between him and the corner. Besides, with all the taxes those guys pay, as far as you're concerned they *DO* own the whole goddamned road.
Special note to the blue-hair in the black Lincoln:
I'm sure there are grandchildren somewhere who think the world of you, but you do not have the right to hold up traffic while you decide on which street to turn.
